My biggest fear ...

I've been in this funk that I can't seem to shake.  I've done lots I soul searching to try and figure out why and, more especially, what I can do I "right the ship".   I heard a quote the other day that has stuck with me.  Successful people do the hard things.  I've learned that a strong component to being successful is just showing up.  Being willing to try something is most of the fight to accomplishing the thing that you seek.  Actually executing on it is the other component.

Failure is my biggest fear.  I am sure i am not unique in this.

I feel constantly torn between breaking free of the constraints of failure and actually doing something.

I hate to be put in the position where I have to decide between my family and my career.  I am the sole income for my family of 5, well 6 including my pup.  Money doesn't happen magically.  I am willing to work for it, but the employers aren't going to just give it because i am a swell guy.  I am willing to accept my position as the bread winner in this family.  I am willing to stay in a career that, while profitable, doesn't fulfill me.  I hate being made to feel bad because I need to do something that puts me or my career first.  I feel like I have no support from within.  Consequently, I feel like I am always in a position that leaves me in a position not to succeed - or achieve what I know I can achieve - Always having to choose the safe road vs. the adventure...

The issues are all mine.  I've caused a lot of stress in my life and the "triggers" have all been mine to pull.  Debt, yep - i spent the money and now i've got to pay the piper.  Poor relationship with my wife, yup - mine too, well maybe that's a shared responsibility since it takes two to tango (as they say).  Poor health? oh yeah, that's mine too - i don't watch what i eat like i should, i rarely exercise, etc.  So all of those aches and pains are mine to manage :)

Since my marriage seems to be the biggest issue in my life, i've definitely tried to fix things.  The challenge is it takes two people really wanting to fix things to make it work.  I know we don't have that.  I've talked about date nights, but we have kids and the wife is not comfortable with releasing that control of watching the kids to someone else.  So if we want to go out to dinner, or a movie, or whatever, we have to plan on bringing everyone with us - and that's a drag.  I've given a lot of thought about divorce.  I think that would solve our inability to have a productive relationship, but what about the impact to everything else.  I am just able to afford to keep this family together now, if i add in the expenses of a divorce plus alimony I won't have enough to survive.  Yes, I realize I only accounted for alimony - I'll always take care of my kids, so that's never going to be a question.  My kids are most important to me, and i worry that the divorce would harm them too - so i want to ensure i tread carefully there.  I always hear the stories about people with kids who get divorced and are better for it.  They are happier, and consequently their kids are happier.  I just don't know what to do & don't want to screw that up too...

Maybe I am expecting too much from life.  I grew up with the Cosby's and the Keaten's.  I know those shows aren't true reflections of reality, but why couldn't life be more like that?  Parents who love each other as much as they love their kids.  All working towards a common goal - family.  Why can't the holiday's be like Fezziwig in the Dickens Christmas Carol Celebration (maximizing kindness, generosity, and affection)?

God ... Are you there?

A thought popped into my head today that I felt was an appropriate way to start this entry out.

The thing that always bothered me about the idea of God is that he gets to always be right. The sky opens up and delivers rain to grow crops. Praise be to him. The sky dries up and the land follows suit. He tests our faith. Praise be to him. Maybe its scarier to think that God is just like us. Riddled with flaws. Imperfect. Angry. Jealous. Quick to judgement.

But lets not forget he is all forgiving. Maybe because if he is real then just maybe he is like us. And maybe thats not scarier. Maybe thats reassuring; that we’re all kind of messed up I mean. That its fine.

So let God be the rainmaker. Let those who praise eventuality and randomness praise. I’ll store my rainwater on the cloudy days for those that are not. I’ll share my water with those who don’t think the same. Not for a seat at the table with an infallible creator but because religion doesn’t matter. People matter.

I wish more people thought like that. That more realized how infinite they think God is, runs parallel to how infinite reality is…then again “reality” is what we make it.